"Not I," Said thee Ellie

For once in my life I would just like to know. I would like to lay, calm and still, under a tree, breathe in a breath of air, and just know. Know for sure that I'll have a bed to sleep in next month. Know which direction to go next. To know that I am thought of. To know that i am prayed for. To know for once, to really know. I wish someone would hand me a little golden box, wrapped in a polka dotted bow that contained assurance, and rest, and trust, or, at least the opportunity to trust.

I cried out to God the other day. I was sitting in my combine, and I told Him exactly that. How badly I desire to just know. To, somehow, deep in my heart, just know. It may be very vulnerable for me to say all this over a blog, of all things, but its not just me. There are hundreds of people out there that feel the exact same way, every single day. They yearn for that assurance to wash over them in a million different ways. 

As I was dumping my heart out to God, He tenderly whispered a small thought into my head. "Be still, and Know that I am God..." My heart leapt a little and I sunk a little and felt stupid for focusing so much on such physical things, and yet, His answer was exactly what I was looking for. Overall, my deepest desire is to Know Him. To really Know who He is, To know His character, His will, His desires, no matter how much I accidently bury that want under all the other desires I have.
A moment of ponderance, and then He asked, "If I am all you ever have, will that be enough?" silence. This thought took over my heart, my selfish desires. It took over my unexplainable want to Know, and I slowly whispered a "Yes" back. And with all my heart I want that to be true.

I believe that we are on a very non-negotiable need-to-know basis with God. And, often, that "need -to-know" time is long after when we originally thought we just HAD to Know and Understand. God, however is not on a Need-To-Know basis with us, which I am so thankful for. He is all knowing. Every second, of every day, all the way into next month, next year and eternity. And that should be all the assurance and reassurance i need.

On a similar note, Sometimes i have this feeling, that im in a little maze, with multiple doors facing multiple directions. Its not overwhelming, its a very normal feeling. As if its just a natural part of life. I'm standing in the middle. I have just walked through one door that fades into a bran new one. There are hallways and stairways that lead to different selections of doors. Its very common for most people who have just walked through that faded door to sit comfortably and wait for the next one to open. I admire people who have that much patience. I tend to run full force through the hallways, down every staircase, rattling the doorknobs to check if their open. And, if one that i really like is locked, even though i have no idea what's behind it, I tend to pull out a bobby pin to pick the lock, or a bulldozer when the bobby pin doesn't work. 

I imagine three buttons when it comes to doing something and obeying God. Pressing the button is kind of like telling God, "Yes, i am willing"...  The first one is the easiest for me to push and say Yes to God and following him. It comes when there is something that i have desired and wanted for so long and He graciously unlocks the door and sets my feet running with a peace and reassurance. I've push that button more times than i can count, without hesitation.

The next one is more difficult. And to some the hardest. This button comes when God asks you and leads you to do something you never ever wanted to do, or that you may still not want to do. I find it VERY difficult in the beginning to give myself whole-heartily to something i don't even want to do. I revert back to the children's book called 'The Little Red Hen', but instead of being the willing Hen, i am the pig, or the cat, or the rat, or, in this case, the Ellie. I end up sitting down and promptly declaring, "Not I, said thee Ellie," when God is clearly asking me to do something.  But God is faithful to shine through. I can think of multiple cases where, for me, He has always changed my heart by the end and taught me SO much through those experiences. All because i was willing to follow and trust him and press the button which unlocked the door.

And the Third button sits there. Its smaller than the others, so small that my finger lingers above it and trembles at how much power is in one little button. i yank my hand away as if its been defiled by some disease. But deep in my heart, i know i cannot move anywhere forward to where God wants me to be without pushing this button in my heart and telling God, "Yes, i am willing."... Willing to give up something i have prayed for and longed for. Willing to set down something i have wanted and fought for. The third button is when you are standing at a door, and as your hand hovers the doorknob you have a brief whisper of maybe hesitation, maybe unrest, or maybe you don't feel anything at all. But when you turn the doorknob, it opens, wide open. Its when something you've wanted so badly sits open in front of you and God asks you to not take it. That is truly the most difficult thing for me. To say no to myself, and yes to God.

Most commonly I find myself day after day, sitting in front of a door. Deadbolt. Padlock. and a little button that God whispers for me to push and in pushing it, saying, "Yes, I'm willing to Trust and Follow you". I am stubborn and refuse to push the button, and day after day i shake the door and bang on it, trying everyway to get it open, only to be exhausted by the end of the day. And God looks at me and says, "Honeychild. Right now, In this moment, In this day, That door is not for you." But my human side resists what i know to be true and i refuse to accept it. Something as simple as telling God "yes" would open an array of other doors but somehow i fail to see that in the moment and fight for the one that is bolted shut for a reason.

Recently, i was in the position of making a decision. Two ordinary doors sat in front of me for the longest time. The fact that I'm normally the bulldozer when it comes to trying something new resided into the back corners of my existence and hesitation sulked over me. I couldn't decide why i had so much hesitation when looking at the door i had wanted so badly for so long. I pursued the door i wanted, and was faced with a deadbolt on the other side. Sometimes that deadbolted door shows up later on in life, wide open. Sometimes it disappears. And i sat. with the choice to bulldoze, or press the button to follow God.

I want my next step to be towards whatever is going to bring the most Glory and Praise, and Honor to God. No matter where it takes me, no matter what i am faced with. If it means sitting around, sewing quilts by hand, singing Praises to God because that is the best way i can praise him in that moment of my life, than i want to do it with all i have in me and then some. 

I often get so scared that when I'm faced with multiple doors to choose from I will make the wrong choice. I have no fear that each decision is good and would do me good and would glorify God, but i fear, "What if one is better than the other and it will bring me the most physical gain...." Which is not the correct thought. It should be "Which one can I bring the most Honor and Glory to God in? " Because, my friends, that is our prime purpose for being set loose on this earth. Even if it means not ever, for one milliseconds in out lives, Knowing what comes next.

My dad has been and is a huge part of my life. He encourages me to go, to travel, to work, to enjoy life. I call him up with some crazy idea of what i'd like to do and he pushes me to go for it. He also, as long as i can remember, has always said, "Something will work out, it always does." And He is right. There's no point in worrying about things that only God has control over. With God on our side, something truly will always work out. And most the time, it wont be the way you imagined it, but rest assured. His plan is always and always will be better.

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This is a poem that i jotted down the other day. It just seemed to fit.
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I wonder,
 In the choice between Good and Better,
Is one really brighter.
Will one take you to the promise land,
Or will they both lead you there eventually?
If you choose the right,
Will you abound in what God has purposed for you?
If you choose the left,
Will you be cast into a valley,
And never fully achieve that point?
Will one make me a warrior,
And one make me a soldier...
And, if so,
What is the difference?
Does God not care enough to give me a specific job?
Or is my job specifically this choice?
And how can i live with myself everyday,
Thinking i threw away something so wanted.
Is God sitting in the sky,
Whispering, "Its not the choice that matters,
Its the heart. Its the willingness. Its the desire."
And if so,
Why do I have those for both the left and right?

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This is a song that a dear friend showed me a few weeks ago, she said, "Ellie, this song just makes me think of you whenever I hear it..." And I thought it was rather fitting for this blog post as well.