Face First into Expectation

     It was like a cannon ball gone wrong in the shallow end of the pool. I expected way more of people than I admittingly should have. In return, I felt that grave need to live up to those sometimes non-verbal expectations of others. A relentless circle. Like a cat chasing his tale, and once he catches it, the satisfaction is doused with grimacing pain. There is no longer joy that someone has lived up to your standard, because, in reality, you fight that much harder to live up to your own. Resulting in disappointment, confusion and dissatisfaction. The world soon begins revolving around you, and only you. What you can do for others and more importantly, what others can do for you. There are no 'Good Deeds' when your heart is set on an ulterior motive. 

      Like always, my cannon ball started of with good intent, but eventually, I deliberately jumped into the shallow end. Tired of lending 'oh so precious time' only if it benefited me. Drained from the game of cat-n-tail that led me chasing other peoples dreams instead of the ones buried deep within my heart. If I was going to crash and burn, it was going to be on my own terms, running after my own dreams. I dove head first into the choice of rejection. I didn't know what I was getting myself into. Rejecting all standards and expectations. A full-fetched re-evaluation of my (then 15 or 16 year old) short life. All expectations of what I should believe, who I should be and what I should think... I pushed each one off and buried them in the ground I would later be hitting with undeniable force and awakening. It suddenly wasn't enough anymore for me to be living for myself. To be going through each day thinking, "How can I make myself better today?" Warping and manipulating around all edges, no matter the cost, to make myself the person of focus. It was disgusting and rotten and so I dove off the proverbial diving board without looking back.

     This was difficult. The phrase, “Hit rock bottom” became a reality. Every shred of my identity was put to the test. I reluctantly realized, I didn't know who I was anymore. I didn't know who I had ever been. I had no purpose. No direction. My day to day life had been filled with living for myself, but with that washed away I struggled to understand any reasoning at all.

     The ground was hard and the only place to go was up. Or so you would think. Even after hitting the bottom I began to sink lower and lower. Chasing the question of, “If I wasn't living for the approval of others and my own benefit, what was I living for? What was anyone in this world living for?” I knew there was more, and if there wasn't, I didn't want to keep being a part of the pointless game of life. I needed a point. I needed to know who I truly was. Not what people spoon fed me or hoped I would become. I needed my true identity, and so I began digging. Some say I the further I dug, the worse off I became. The truth is, if I had never hit that point of rejection. That point of yearning for a glimpse of truth. If I had never fallen apart and ripped every piece of my life to shreds looking for who I was, I wouldn't be who I am today. I would still be satisfied with living for myself and up to the expectations of others instead of for God. Blending into the millions of people in this world who are lost in lies.

     The first one was, "What should I believe?" Talk about an elephant in the room. This was the size of Texas and it still took me years to dig up. Believing what I had been told my whole life was not good enough for me anymore. I felt like an FBI agent pulling apart a crime scene. I fingerprinted the Bible front to back, checking and rechecking that there was a God. That He sent His son to take my sin. That I in fact had sin. I began looking for a cure for this sin, but finding the part of repentance instead. I was expected to believe all this growing up, but I HAD to experience for my self. I HAD to know it was true, and to do that I did a whole lot of searching and a whole lot of sleepless nights pleading with God to show Himself to me.

     Next came the question, "Who should I be?" I had just come to grips with Who God was and trying to grasp my mind around that, and now there was this. The age old question most the world has yet to answer. Who should I be? The most difficult task, and something I still struggle with is distinguishing who I am without the influence of others. Those who you surround yourself with will mold you into who you are, to some extent. But core details, what your favorite color is, how you laugh, what you enjoy to do in your free time, things like those that cannot and should not be determined because of who you interact with. They should be purely formed from you, from who God has designed you to be. I was so lost in pleasing others, I couldn't even find those core details once I took the tornado of a telescope over that part of my life. My entire identity I began to rebuilt, brick by brick, but this time, with the foundation of God. With the knowledge that I was His. I was Living for Him. I was loved, cherished and had purpose because of HIM. I should be leading others towards Him and shining His light wherever I go, not my own. That was the beginning of learning who I should be and strive to become.

     Finally, and most recently, "What should I think?" The offenses of this world should not phase me unless they are directed towards my God. I refuse to be offended by petty jabs, and by the grace of God I get over the hurtful words thrown my way. I am on the defense for God. Anything that offends Him, offends me. It is immutable. There is so much more to this life than someone making fun of my second hand clothes or the fact that I have to use spellcheck. I strive to live for God and not take personal offense to things meant to harm my relationship with God or others. God is my defense and with His power and His plan I can withstand anything thrown my way, not to say it wont be hard, but rest assured, possible. On top of that, I am to think good of others. To know their hearts. To get to know someone before I whip out that judgmental glance and whisper. Also, I am to think good of myself. I am a creation of God that He is well pleased with. I am beautiful and unique and loved. I am forever adored in the eyes of the King. Not a haughty attitude, but to be confident in who God has made me to be.

     My nose dive into expectations led me into searching and digging up the three core questions of my life and sent me flying out of the water with a zest for God and a passion to tell others. I hit land running and when my legs give out God's timing never ceases to fail. He sets me in shade, comforts my heart, gives me fresh air to breath and starts that fire again, sending me into another frenzy for Him. I struggle with so many things, and sometimes start running with that zest completely in the wrong direction. But God is patient. When I run into a mistake, He teaches me a lesson and allows me to try again. When I jump towards something I'm not prepared for, He catches me, closes the door and sets me in a different room. He forgives time after time. When I make the same mistake ten times in a row and still don't learn the lesson, He approaches me with a different outlook and never gives up. He allows me to rejoice and weep. He does not allow sin, but has open arms when I give up my stubborn ways and come crawling back to Him. He smiles when I laugh and is pleased when my heart has joy. He is the best teacher I have ever had. Not only is He my Teacher, but my Father, Redeemer, Savior and Friend. He is constantly teaching me what it means to put the expectations of others behind me, and strive for the approval of only One.